And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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