But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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