Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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