I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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