my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
