I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
