hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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