just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
