if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
