i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
