If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I have aggressive nipples.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
