I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
