it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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