: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
