Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
