Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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