guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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