The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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