she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
