for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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