:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
