I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
