I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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