At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
She told me I should be a condom model.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
