He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
