Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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