i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
