Banned from zoo.
Again?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
