I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
