Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
