What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
