a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Randomize
