she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
