Life is so much better after having sex.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
