On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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