I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
