I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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