if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
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she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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