bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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