I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
