the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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