I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
