I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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