Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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