I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
