that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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