he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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