There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I AM VODKA MAN
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
