Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
