so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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