Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
