At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
