Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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