And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
