I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
