and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
