i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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